You won, homes.

I heard that if you win the lottery it can take up to a week to actually receive the money. Usually like 3-5 days. They have to check the numbers and make sure the actual ticket is real and delay some more to look important and shit. I was thinking, what if a bum used some of his change to buy a lottery ticket and actually fucking won? He would totally have to slum it out for a few more days. He’d be out on the street holding a sign

>“Just won the lottery, get my money in 6 days… Will pay 50k to stay at your house ‘til Tuesday.”

HAH! Ya right, I’m not falling for that. Are you falling for that?

>“No really I got 8 mil. on the way c’mon man 50 grand”
>>“So what do you do? Just suck people in and stay at a different house each week then peace out? It’s smart but still, fuck you.”

That would easily be the longest week that bum had ever endured.

Down Syndrome Fugitive

I remember when I was a kid growing up in Edmonton. We always used to go to this park called Sherbrook Park. Me and all my friends would go down there on hot summer days; run through the sprinklers, play tag and capture the flag. Fill up our water guns and play James Bond! I remember there was always this one guy sitting on the bench by the swings, eating his cracker jack popcorn wearing guido sweatpants and a black winter coat. I didn’t know this at the time, but he had down syndrome. I remember looking at him and wondering “Why is his tongue always hanging out?” Then I thought he was following me around because I’d see a Downy walking through the mall and assumed it was that guy from the park. I was like 7 years old. We lived near a facility where handicapped people go to hang out and swim. They have a dance there every Friday for all the “Members”. But that’s a whole other story on its own. What I’m trying to say is there were a lot of dudes walking around the neighbourhood that looked the same and it used to scare the shit out of me. I couldn’t understand how this guy could be at the ice cream store, the park, AND Linens and Things all at once. Plus he walked really slow and I knew even when I was 7 that there’s no way this guy could drive.

Just a side thought here: Do you think a person with Down Syndrome could easily get away with murder? He’d go out rob a bank, rape an innocent woman, but then even if they caught him how could any of the victims even identify him?

“Well we got the bustard on tape, now we know what he looks like, should be an easy one to crack. Bring in the line-up let’s see if someone can identify him”

That is if someone would be dumb enough to take a dude with down syndrome serious when he walks up to the till at the bank and says “Oooooh-kaaaay everyone remain calm. Gimme eve-ting behind the big metal door and no-one gets hurt. I have a weapon of mass destru-shin, and people, I know how to click it.”

You’re right, that probably would never happen. But we had fun thinking about it didn’t we?

High-Lie-Ter

I’m in the mood to lie and make shit up right now. If I was really stoned right now (err…). So let’s say I’m driving and a fuckin cop pulls me over. I could probably lie my way out of anything right now.

>“Hey, how are you doin?”

>>“Someone was chasing me”

>“What? Lemme see your license and registration”

>>“Ya just one sec here”

>“This is a receipt for a Snickers and Encino Man from Best Buy”

>>“They cover me. I get a free DVD and a Snickers everytime i pay on time.”

>“Alright do you know how fast you were going back there?”

>>“Yes but we both know I was… n’t speeding”

>“What are you doing with that bloody samurai sword in the vehicle”

>>“I made a peanut butter and jam sandwich. Didn’t have a butter knife.”

Alright so that was just one example. I’m watching some David Cross and his voice is kind of loud I can’t think very clearly. But the show must go on so I will continue typing whatever comes to my mind. I don’t have an urge to lie anymore I guess I got that out of my system, but now I feel like improvising a story. I wish there were some people here to yell out some topics for my story. I’m going to Google 3 things right now: sex, fruit, marshmallows, grey bush. That’s 4 I know. Be right back, the first 4 words I see when I Google that nonsense is what my story is going to be about. Sex-> Biology, Fruit-> Health, Marshmallows-> Eileen, Grey Bush-> Old School. Alright I’ll attempt to free write some kind of shitty bullshit story about biology, health, Eileen, and old school.

Alright so I met this broad at a party the other night, Eileen was her name. So I was chatting her up pretty good, and we decided to go back to my place for some sex. She may have been old but if she was in a video game I’d say there would still be about 55% health left. We started getting naked, and I tried getting her bra off but it was so old school I couldn’t figure it out. Then I realized she was outright old school with her red lipstick, cotton sweater, pantyhose, and a jungle across the border. But me and her GOT-IT-ON-BABY-WOO. It was a dream come true, really. We role played, since she was way older I played the naughty student and she played the horny mature biology teacher that was interested more in the biology of her students than what that book had to offer. I was DP-ing her with my fat cock and a graduated cylinder. Then she turned around, ripped a fart, and pissed on my face as she ripped a chunk of my hair out, swallowed it, and coughed it up saying:

>“It makes me feel more feminine. Like a cat”

So I started making out with her and she stuck her thumb up my butt. She said

>“Hey isn’t your name Mitch?”

I’m like ya, I told you that earlier, what’s up?

Apparently we shouldn’t have drank so much so we could have avoided this terrible mistake. I was fucking my cousin. She’s 48, and she’s hot ok. Plus who’s going to sit there and think “I realize she’s 26 years older than me. But jeez, I hope this 48 year old isn’t my cousin.” Like, nobody has a cousin that’s 48. I’ve never heard my dad say “Oh you gonna be home tomorrow? My cousin Greg is stopping by”. Maybe it’s just me. Back to the incest. I’ve actually jerked off thinking about this woman but I didn’t feel good about it. It was one of those times where your head knows it’s wrong but your cock’s like no we have to do this, come on man. I need this, come on. So I talked myself into it. “Jeff Foxworthy got his own trivia show man, you can still be famous and fuck your cousin.” So I fucked my cousin Eileen who fucked me as a Biology teacher, and she’s so old school her bra was made from coat hangers but still thinks it’s healthy to swallow semen… only if it has her DNA is in it.

So she ripped her finger out of my ass and replaced it with the blunt end of a shotgun. As she started to load bullets into it I grabbed her face and rammed it down the barrel of the gun. This turns her on so much she starts squirting everywhere as she deep throats this rusty shotgun barrel. Then her dog came in and started licking my balls as Eileen put her thumb in his ass. Now I’m shitting and blood is seeping out of my ass, as the loaded gun goes off, through Eileen’s head and the bullet ricocheted off a mirror and took out the dog right as Lieutenant Dan walked in the door. Then the director yelled cut, a bunch of people applauded, we all took a bow, and Pauly Shore did about 15 minutes of stand-up.

I’m not Pauly… I’m the we-easul. BOOOO. Well how about another hand for that great performance.

THANK-YOU!

What a lovely banner that is

So he said “I’m gonna roll a couple joints while I wait for Ben to come”. Well I was kind of high and what I thought he said was “I’m gonna roll a couple joints while I wait for Ben to cum”. Only a couple consonants off, but a much different visual image. I pictured him sitting in his computer chair engineering a doobie; while Ben is just standing there looking at a XXX photo while he masturbates. Don’t ask me how I come to these conclusions. When really we’re just waiting for Ben to arrive in his vehicle to pick our stoned asses up.

But what if that weren’t such a brash thought? Like jerking off was ok to do wherever, whenever, who the fuck cares? Hey excuse me Karen, do you know where Brad went? Oh, hes in the men’s room jerking off. Really well when he’s done tell him I need to see him.

>“Hey guy’s I’ll meet you at the Gap I’m just gonna run and go jerk off quick.”

>>“Hey I need to jerk off too I’ll go with you. Ya, see ya at the Gap.”

Now that would be a little somethin somethin. It would be extra funny if only like one or two cultures did it.

>“I’m going over to France for a little va-cay”

>>“No shit? Did you know they masturbate in public over there?”

>“I was unaware of that actually”

>>“Ya I guess if they’re out and they feel like ejaculating semen they just go into the restroom and ‘get a load off’ oh meh-meh-meh”

>“Really? So they’re completely cool with it? And don’t ever do that laugh again.”

>>“Sorry. Ya, it’s almost like pissing to them. You can do it whenever you want, even if people are watching. Just in malls and anywhere inside that’s public, they use the bathroom”

>”Wow… that is so fucked up; yet I’m intrigued.”

Just be walking through the park and see some guy yanking on his rod by a tree.

“Oh hey Jim. Lovely day to jerk off outside isn’t it? Ok I’ll cya at racquetball tomorrow”

So that got pretty crazy, sorry to anyone that wasn’t ready for all that. That faggy banner might have gotten everyone ready for it. Don’t forget to comment LOLZ!

It’s been a while since we spoke…

So for the people that have started reading my shit stuff. I have to stop swearing so much for no reason. I swore in front of my mom the other day, not good. You gotta love spell check. Without spell check I would have typed “swored” in stead of swore back there. I just about looked like an ub3r n00b. I just thought I would toss something out there because it’s been quite a while. I’ve been mostly just getting high and playing around on photoshop. Some may have noticed this site looks pretty bad-ass compared to what it used to. So I’m feeling creative and I have writer’s block at the same time. Alanis Morissette should have used that one in her stupid song.

Like really wantin’ to write something down

But writer’s block entered the town

That’s what I can do right now, too bad nobody is here to dish me some ideas. I’m gonna type Bear Dildo into Google and use the first 5 sites. Lol I’m just gonna write a song about giving head… to bears… to be continued.

Are You Smarter Than An Infant Baby?

I was watching this really good show, a show about intellect and mind puzzling questions. You know what I’m talking about… The host is a really smart guy with a moustache… And glasses… Are You Smarter Than A 5^th Grader? Jeff Foxworthy. I can’t believe people actually apply to be on this game show. If you don’t win one million dollars on this show it should be the end of your career, and people should really question your intelligence. I was watching one episode this lady was up to bat and Jeff tosses her a real doozy.

“Claudia, tell me, How many vowels are in the word PODIUM?”

They even showed her the word on a huge screen in front of her.

She didn’t respond nearly fast enough. I’d give everybody 10 seconds to answer just to be generous, then, if you didn’t answer on time all the kids would whip out Nerf guns and shoot metal studded foam darts at you and call you stupid. Seriously, A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y, it’s not hard.

I did however hear that there wasn’t enough excitement on the show because not enough people were winning. So they’re trying something different next year to make it easier so people win and more people can watch and relate to the show. Maybe even participate if they’re feeling really edgy. So next season it’s going to get changed to “Are You Smarter Than An Infant Baby?”.

“Alright we have Bill here and he’s been telling me just how smart he thinks he is. Now Bill you may be a brain surgeon but… do you truly believe you’re smarter than an infant baby?”

-“YAAA Let’s do this! Bring it on bitch!”

“Ok Bill, pick a subject. We’ve got 2^nd Month Logic, 4^th Month Sign Language, and finally our toughest category 1 Year 1 Liners. Go ahead and choose one.”

-“Alright let’s start slow. I’ll try 2^nd Month Logic.”

“Billy! Good luck man, please refer to the screen for this question. There you will see two letters. Please point to the letter “S”. And remember if you get stumped on a question, you can always cheat and refer to your infant baby, Tommy.”

-“Ah jeez I thought this was supposed to be easy, you know, when I was little kid I kinda remember an S being something like a snake, it’s squiggly, but I’m really not too sure. Well I don’t want to make an early exit so just to make sure…  Ah shit I’m gonna have to go to my infant baby on this one, I’m gonna use up my cheat Steven Baldwin!”

“He’s gonna use his cheat! Alright Timmy let’s see which one of those do you think is the letter S?”

Gaagaa dat waaan *pointing to the left

-“Ah jeez i thought it was the right one… Alright ill go with my gut and that is to go with the infant baby on this one. It’s the one on the left

“YES! correct, you’re going for the million! Because that’s how we roll on this show and plus this joke would be far too long if we explained every question. So the million it is! We will show you the subject, only then you can decide if you want to go on and try for the million or quit like a pussy bitch and look in the camera and say”

-“Hey, what’s up. My name is Mitch Martyn and I am not smarter than an infant baby.”

“The subject is: Naughty Business, and it’s in our Hands-on category.”

-“Alright I’m gonna go for the mil!”

Alright here you are, you must successfully put these socks and shoes on then tie the laces in a knot, all in UNDER 10 minutes, GO!

I would definitely watch that show. It would be the only show below According To Jim in the ratings. Basically what I’m trying to say is Jeff Foxworthy and Steven Baldwin are Cyborgs sent from another universe to destroy the human race by simplifying our lives with horrible acting and retarded one line jokes about a group of people nobody really likes, but apparently want to be. These idiots that laugh with him (not at him) actually dress and talk like rednecks just to be more like his clan of idiots. If he can make people believe that being a redneck is cool, I can only imagine the damage he could do with the bible. Probably make a lot of people think that was real too. My manager is giving me the sign to wrap it up, alright, later guys.

Suicide

Suicide is illegal, for real. If you commit suicide and fail, they charge you and they can put you in prison and make you pay for all the fire trucks and ambulances they sent to give you some attention to make you feel like people care. Yes let’s discourage people killing themselves by threatening these depressed ass people with jail time. Because it’s gotta be hard find some shoelace and a book on how to tie a good suicide knot in prison right? No, they’ll go to prison and come out all reformed and happy to be alive. Getting fucked in the ass sitting in a cinder block with all your twisted thoughts is going to make you a better person. Right.

And what about all the obvious cases of attempted suicide? Like these fat fucks going to McDonald’s 4 meals out of the day and ordering 9 cheeseburgers? These guys obviously don’t give a shit about their bodies. No different that the guy that doesn’t give a shit about his face so he sticks a roman candle up his nose and lights his bic. I think there should be a law against selling overweight chunky-dunkies more than 8 Cheeseburgers a week. We’ll give them each a punch pass that they’re required to show as I.D. when purchasing ched-bergs with that week stamped on them. Have one a day. Or eat all 8 of them in three minutes and dream about next Monday when you can do it again.
“Ya I’ll just get uh, nine cheeseburgers to go please”
- “I’m sorry sir, I’m not legally allowed to sell that to you”
“What? What are you talking about I’m of weight”
- “Ya, sir, I’m gonna need to see some I.D. or you’re gonna have to leave”

We I.D. for tobacco and liquor why not I.D. fat fucks for cheeseburgers? Or at least maybe it could be like getting on the rollercoaster.
“Sloopy says! You must be this —– tall to ride!”
Instead just outside the door it would be a picture of grimus.
“Grimus says! You must not be wider than MY fat ass to enter”
No I’m sorry sir we can’t let you in here. No! I’m sorry buddy, maybe NEXT summer. Get that New Year’s resolution out of the closet and maybe next year you can come in here.

Then maybe there wouldn’t be so much excess skin waddling around the world

Here’s an old joke I found on the internet.

Q: What’s the punishment for suicide?
A: Life imprisonment.
Q: What’s the punishment for attempted suicide?
A: Hanging.

Tit shit fuck clit

I just realized that words tagged in a piece of literature are what help that piece to be found and viewed by other people. Someone found an article I wrote just because I wrote the word cock somewhere inside the piece of jumbled bullshit I call comedic writing. Oh ya, fuck you Mike. So I’m going to write a bunch of bullshit words like fuck, shit, anal beads, herpes, dick zit, cum, pre-teen facial, and cock-ness monster so that people fuckin see my blog by accident. Quantity not quality. More people watching the better. Even if they don’t give a fuck or they just accidentally click a link somewhere then leave the site immediately once they realize “shit this isn’t downsyndromdonkeyfuck.com” no it’s not fuck you, but thanks for the views on my stat chart. It makes me feel good when I see 1 more view on my page. Weenie, cunt, moist, vag, vagisil, duty, creme, pubic hair, fuckin shit fuck, guy on acid scissor fucking a midget, people with mullets, cool cock rings, tattoos on babies, guns as a replacement for dildos. I dunno, who really fucking cares. Peace bitches. Oh ya, I don’t edit my shit because I don’t give a fuck. Also I’m a piece of shit that thinks he’s funny and gets 17 views a month mostly by pregnant trailer trash plaid wearing whores that just want to fuck me then sue me for rape so they can buy their down syndrom fatherless children books about how to break out of prison and make fires with nothing but cotton swabs and lysol. Instead of just using the cotton swabs to dry the blood after a shot of heroin then drinking the lysol to enhance the buzz and ease the pain. Ah fuck you.

YouTube Video Analysis

Somehow in my YouTube game (explained in earlier post) I stumbled on videos of people eating the hottest chili peppers in the world. Actually right before that I was watching one called “Guy eats it @ Red Hot Chili Peppers concert”. So I started watching this video and some pirate looking mofo introduces himself as Gavin. Pff, Grant, of course, what a douchebag.

“Hi my name is Gavin, I know what a terrible name. Some of you may have already noticed I look like I should be an extra on the next Pirates of the Caribbean flick. So with that, let me stall some more since I’m a huge pussy and this pepper scares the shit out of me. So here’s some useless fuckin’ facts about the Bhut Jolokia. It’s really fuckin’ hot and like 3 times hotter than the previous winner of hottest on the planet which used to be the habanero.”

What ever happened to guys judging women on how hot they were and lowering the self esteem of the ones that just didn’t make the cut? What a pussy

“Ok so I’m sitting here with my pepper and uh my glass of milk is here, I left my pride and most of my dignity outside when I came in.”

I could really care less what extra amenities you brought along on your journey to 15 second fame on YouTube, by doing something that takes absolutely no skill, but will accidentally become quite humorous to people that are able to single out the retards and laugh at whatever simple-minded handicap do each day. I really just want to see this guy swallow this pepper and watch his fucking head explode. Which is why this video turns out to be so awesome. After 2 minutes this pussy comes back on the camera and explains just how great he is feeling.

Picture a really pussy-like whiny frotch voice and you got this guy down. If you’ve ever seen a Sidney Crosby interview on TSN that will work too.

“Hey I really don’t feel good. I drank my milk, I put ice cream on my tongue and it melted like what the shit. I really think I should go to the doctor or the hospital. I don’t feel good.”

So GO! What the fuck?! I mean I’m not going to complain; this is fuckin wicked to watch. By now his face is clearly puffing up and turning red/purple. This guy is so desperate for attention that he sticks around and toughs it out some more

Now the camera elapses two more minutes…

“I really don’t feel good. I have a headache, the back of my eyes hurt, my throat burns, and it’s like coming in waves.”

Hell ya this dude’s getting fucked up by that pepper.

“It’s like when my wife was giving birth to my neighbour’s child; she said the contractions came in waves. This is like… I’m having contractions right now.”

HAHA. I knew you were a pussy, but I didn’t know you had one Captain Jack. Like you pretty much said you felt like you had a pussy. How about this?

->Guy pulling off a band-aid: “Oh jeeze that felt like the tugging feeling when you pull out a bloody tampon.”

-> “This weed makes me feel so good, like a huge black guy with a big fat cock that has wings and name-tag is penetrating me – body and soul.”

What a fag, nice comparison bud.

3.5 hours later…



You look like a burnt cheetah… and your a d-bag… also a pussy.

Watch the video: CLICK HERE!

Isn’t it ironic? Don’tcha think?

“That’s ironic” A great phrase that I enjoy being able to say from time to time. Irony is a great form of comedy. It’s right up there with small guys chirping big guys; the “David versus Goliath” routine, and of course, my #1 which is sarcasm by a long shot. I think Alanis Morissette said it it best. “It’s like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife”. Powerful words with an even more powerful message. This brings me to a segment I’ve prepared called what else but, “Isn’t It Ironic”.

When you’re in a shitty mood and start thinking of a song that cheers you up, then almost like magic you hear that song on the radio. You think it’s destiny, like that song was sent right to you to cheer you up. Then you find out it was on the whole time and that’s why you thought of it so really it wasn’t that cool at all, and you go back to being in a shitty mood. Ya probably happens all the time. I know right?

A criminal trying to conceal his identity after stealing a car gives the cops the I.D. in the glove box of the owner that just happens looks a lot like him. Thinking he just hit the jackpot of luck and will be free to go once the cops run the I.D., the man is arrested. Apparently the guy who’s car he stole was wanted for mass murder, and would now be handed new life as the car thief does life in prison for lifting a car that belonged to a fugitive that happens to look a lot like him… shoulda shaved this morning dude.

According To Jim is on and the loaded handgun is closer than the remote.

When you wake up from a wet dream with a hard-on and cum in your boxers, then later that day something reminds you of your sexy dream and you immediately think of your best buddy.

“Ooooh isn’t it ironic?”

“Ten thousand dudes, and all there is, is a dyke”

YouTube!

“If you suck at life, maybe the people on YouTube will like you”

Recently I got pretty baked and fired up my laptop and thought of a fun game to play on YouTube. Type in the name of a good video and after you watch it navigate only by clicking one of the top few related links and see how long it takes you to give up on man-kind all-together. This particular evening I chose to start by typing in “George Carlin stand-up” and within about 25 minutes I was watching some bullshit about George Bush somehow. I never really followed him during his presidency, but after what I saw, all those jokes about how outrageously stupid this guy was seemed a lot more funny. It reminded me of hockey when I was growing up when it was all about who you knew, and who’s dick you sucked.

“Oh hey George! Ya your dad was president, he was good, and you know Cheney, so I think your perfect for the job. Welcome to the team bud. Oh the voters? No they’ll love you. If they don’t then fuck ‘em, doesn’t matter anyways. And here is where you’ll be staying for the next 8 years.”

“Cool, you think I’ll last 8 years?”

“Well with our system it shouldn’t be a problem since, once again, we don’t give a fuck what people think”

Honestly, the guy makes up his own words. If he was never president and you saw him in the grocery store you would think he was the first down syndrom retard to live past 30.

This string of comedic interviews with the dumbest president to ever live, led me to an interesting video shot after Hurricane Katrina hit (Watch Video). Mike Myers and Kanye West were running a call-in show looking for donations for those in need. Kanye’s talking and he starts off sounding like a shy 6 year old then starts to evolve into what sounds like an illiterate pedophile; what one might sound like anyway. If he was an illiterate pedophile though, he wouldn’t be able to spray paint ‘FREE CANDY” onto the side of his van. And to end the fucked up speech Kanye “raps it up” by saying

“President Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Just fuckin blurts it out when they’re about to cut away.

And back to a now very awkward Chris Tucker that just wishes he was Asian; more than ever. This isn’t the only time Kanye was packing his douchebag. Just ask Taylor Swift. And I’ll ask her to marry me.

If the black dudes, at their last meeting, decided they wanted to send a message they should have picked a smarter black dude. Dave Chappelle would have been perfect. But I guess it takes a dummy to talk to a dummy.

Cock it

Ever notice how sometimes our ancestors just chose the wrong word to associate with something. Like for instance, “cocking a gun”. I can kind of understand their idea with the whole up and down movement required to “cock” a gun. But can’t we just get past the fact that cocking a shotgun looks to the untrained eye like someone gripping and rubbing a huge penis? Guns are tough, guns are masculine… GUNS FUCKIN’ RULE! Yeeee-Haaaaw, Jimmy-crack-corn-and-I-don’t-care. So let’s pretend it doesn’t look like my inbred sister when she shlipidy-schlops my ding-a-ling. Were there no other words that fit the gesture? Oh cool, check out this contraption. I have to go like this? Oh it’s like when I rub my cock. Let’s just make this easy to remember and call it “cocking the gun”.

“And don’t forget to cock your gun”
–
“Shit! My gun won’t fire!”
“Cock it Billy! You need to cock your gun!”
–
“Cock and Load”
–
“I love the way you cock your gun”
–
“This gun is hard to cock”

And of course there’s always the crowd pleaser: duty. LOL

DUTY FREE
“Well that’s a plus”
–
“What are your duties here?”
–
Call of Duty
Shitty

Duuuuuuutyy

The Trip

This post is based on a stand-up routine I’m working on. I will be wearing this shirt:

I recently went on a trip, obviously. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. It was a really nice time. LOTS of drinks. They were free so we just got SOOOO wasted the whole time. The food was alright too… a lot better than my last trip to the fishing docks in Seattle. A little too fishy for me. So this one was already better. It wasn’t all just about having fun though; it was a temporary missionary position I accepted through the church. Our goal was to reach out to people and touch as many lives as we could. If even for just a moment… or like 25 minutes.
First thing I did when I got there was pull out my spyglass and explore the terrain. Initially I thought I had landed somewhere in the desert but for some reason there was un-trimmed grass everywhere. This baffled me and almost made me not want to move on… but I did, and it was worth it. As I started exploring I came upon a creek. What a lovely creek it was; clean, crisp water, hydrating my mouth and cooling my insides. And there were butterflies and I tried to catch them but they were far too quick for me. So I kept going and found more surprises! As I looked up, the O-zone layer appeared to be vulnerable. And that’s when it revealed itself. The biggest, most beautiful waterfall I had ever seen. It instantly shot a mist of water on my face. I felt like I just had a cold shower. Or like the guys on the bench in hockey with their water bottles with 6 minutes left in double overtime. But it felt good. I heard there was a really nice cave behind the waterfall and apparently not even that many people had been in it. This made me really want to see inside this waterfall. So I started getting wood. To build a tiny raft to penetrate through the waterfall and see what the inside was like. It took me quite a while to get wood for some reason. I was drunk and kinda high so that made it a little harder to concentrate. But after a lot of whacking away with my machete and axe, I finally got enough-ish wood to prepare for penetration. I say enough-ish because I was just getting anxious, I really wanted to go in, so I thought fuck it I’ll try it out.
The raft I built was flimsy but I thought it should get me inside anyway. Just to be safe I threw on a life jacket and a raincoat. I’m not 100% sure this area doesn’t get acid rain. So I paddled toward the almighty waterfall. As I anticipated, it was extremely difficult to get into the waterfall with its great force and my flimsy wood raft. But once I got my bow through it was pretty much smooth sailing. This interior was one of the best I had seen. I felt like an 18 year old kid again. Such a nice feeling of warmth, happiness and natural lubrication, but I had been warned about a volcano nearby that could erupt any day now. Just as I was about to exit the cave I felt a vibration and a sound that sent me to another dimension. The volcano was erupting and I was still trapped inside. OOOOOOOOOOOH FUUUUCK. It was such a cool feeling with the heat of the volcano and the cool wet breeze of the waterfall, I couldn’t even move. I could see the fucking fireworks from the fourth of July dancing through the air as this huge beefy volcano shot loads of hot magma all over the waterfall. An extremely captivating spectacle and something that can never be put into words, until I realize I’m still in the cave. Then the feeling can be easily translated into a simple phrase: “OH FUCK!”

I don’t think I’ll be leaving the country any time soon.

Bums

I had some homeless guy come up and ask me for a smoke today. He looked like he was kinda legit. He was one of the clean bums (still grubby as fuck, of course) who probably showers in the huge fountain by city hall. If bums had their own municipality he would probably be one of the higher ranking officials. Now, I never usually donate to homeless people because most of the time it’s your own fault you’re a fuck up. So don’t come crying to me when you can’t support your smoking/crack habit. We can’t MAKE people throw their pennies on the ground now can we. I like it too when bums get all smart-ass on you.

“Hey buddy you gots a smoke I can buy off ya? Or is that YOUR last one too?”
“No sorry bro, this is my last one” =)

And when they offer you a loonie for it; ALWAYS take that shit. You know how many times he’s “bought” a smoke with that same loonie? They don’t expect you to take it, so fuckin take it. It’ll make that bustard really appreciate that cancer-stick you just gave him.

But this guy looked legit, so I gave him a smoke, and I even turned down his loonie that looked more like a rusty nail head than a piece of Canadian currency. Then, just because I had nothing else better to do, I watched the guy cross the street and pull out a Ziploc bag full of cigarettes. There must have been at least 90 darts in there. Just a fuckin cornucopia of all these different kinds of smokes he cheesed off a bunch of different people. He’s like the George Jung(Blow) of homeless guy tobacco operations. I thought, if he can think of something like that how can he not press the Big Mac button on the till at McDonald’s? You even get free fucking meals there. And everyone that works there is greasy as fuck anyway, so if you can’t find a house with their sprinklers on nobody’s going to really notice anyways.

That wasn’t my only run-in with what I’ll call a “Luxury Bum”. Same as every other society, bums have low, middle, and high classes. Low class bums are typically the ones that end up getting jobs on TV playing similar roles such as the bum in Dennis the Menace, or most recently Jim Belushi playing himself on “According To Jim”. Middle classes live average lives making a decent wage of roughly 10-28 dollars weekly, while High class “Luxury Bums” have thought of ways to make around 70-400+ dollars a week. One guy came up and asked if I would lend him some money. So I asked him when he was going to pay me back then kicked him in the shin and ran away. I just realized I dropped my Blackberry there too, nice find brah! Merry Fackin Christmas. One other guy asks me for some money I’m like no all I have is a 20, he pulls out a wad of cash and says he can make change. Then his buddy comes around the corner and I knew the world had gone fuckin crazy. This guy was wearing an Interac pinpad machine around his neck. I had to see if this shit worked, so I go over and I’m like

“Hey buddy fire that thing up I’ll give ya 5 bucks”

So he fires it up.
PURCHASE: $7.00
Fuckin basterd… alright
Add tip? YES or NO
Lol…
ENTER PIN: *****
–
–
INSUFFICIENT FUNDS TO COMPLETE TRANSACTION

How you like me now bitch? How you like me now?
So I look at the other guy and ask him if I can “borrow” 5 bucks. He’s like


“No I worked for this money I’m keepin’ it”

So I yelled “LESSON LEARNED”, kicked them both in the shin and ran away. I feel if I can reach out at least one person a day, the world will someday be a better place.

Something…

I saw an ad in a magazine for these smokes that were “Full Flavor”. Would you pay extra money in a whore house for the grubby hooker? Don’t get me wrong, I love smoking. It’s relaxing, satisfying, and I think I might have one right now. But you’ll never hear me say how much I enjoy the taste of cigarettes. It tastes like, if eating charred campfire wood was actually on the menu, that’s what smoking kinda tastes like. So why would you think I’d want a stronger taste of this? It makes your breath smell like shit, because it tastes like shit. That’s why I chew gum afterwards; because gum is delicious and I need to get this taste out of my mouth that makes me think of Rosie O’Donnell’s hairy snatch after half hour on the bike and a game of squash that went to extra points. Nice and sweaty… ugh, get a tan. Something else that really chapped my ass this evening; I had a sweet pink and white lighter then someone stole it so I didn’t have a lighter for like 4 days I had to use fucking matches. Then today after work I bought a new lighter and when I go to use it like half hour later, I pull 3 lighters out of my pocket. Found another one in my sweater, and when I got in my room one of the first things I noticed was a lighter by my TV. and 2 small lighters on my dresser. I go 4 days using fucking matches then finally I buy a lighter and now I have a clan of like 7 lighters. I’m going to duct tape one beside my door so I always have at least one. I just free-wrote this and I guess I’ll post it on my blog. I’m not going to read it until I get a comment.

Love. Hate. Masterbate.

Marty’s Top 10! Ways of knowing you’re a nerd

You know you’re a nerd when…

10. You chirp guys that have only beat Zelda 4 times

9. You plan on naming your first born Jean Luc (if you could ever get laid)

8. You switched to Facebook because MySpace is lame

7. You’ve added the word “Jedi” to your Microsoft Word dictionary

6. You argue with friends over the outcome of a fight between Hans Solo and Indiana Jones

5. If you just muttered “well… obviously Indiana Jones”

4. You fantasize about having a threesome with B’Elanna Torres and Princess Leia on the Death Star, but know that couldn’t happen unless one of them could travel through time (High five if you don’t understand, I had to Google this one)

3. If you divide the number of video games you own by 5, and get a number significantly larger than the number of cooters you’ve touched

2. Playing Diablo is your idea of taking a break from Warcraft

AND… The #1 way of knowing you’re a nerd:

1.You Google a top 10 list to find out for sure

ACTRESS NEEDED! ASAP!!!

I am searching for a young, talented actress with anywhere from mildly ugly to trailer trash looks. She needs to be willing to wear a costume, and must take well to direction. You will be co-starring alongside the brilliance of up-and-cummer Mitch Martyn, in a film I have just finished writing.

It’s an adaptation of an old romance novel I have grown very fond of over the years entitled Rusty Tailpipe. It is the story of a young mechanic named Isaac, a real down-on-his-luck kinda guy. One day he hears a loud cry for help while working on his 1969 Mustang at the shop. He runs over to see a beautiful woman in distress. This is a very open area but for some reason there’s nobody else in sight. He runs over to her, kind of faggy like, but it’s in slow-motion so it looks sexy and ravishing. Once he reaches her she says:

“I’m so glad you found me! I was getting so scared”

“Don’t worry I can fix your car in 30 minutes”

They go back to his shop and Isaac fucks fixes Misty’s ride. When she offers to pay, Isaac says

“No I couldn’t possibly. But since you offered that’ll be $1100″

Misty’s expired credit cards are all declined. Luckily, she has a luscious pair of DD’s, beautiful blond hair, shaved lips, and her nail appointment isn’t for another 45 minutes.

That reminds me. If you really want this position, large breasts are a plus, and the less hair from forehead-down, the better. Please be advised this is a freelance position and there is no pay. Excellent food and drink will be served! Will look great on your resume when applying for future work! Email me for more information.

FIFA World Cup pwnzrs

In light of the FIFA World Cup going on I thought I would express my thoughts about the gay game of soccer. When you first turn on a game of World Cup soccer the first thing you’ll notice is this really annoying buzzing sound like 200,000 bees were swarming around the field. No that’s just 200,000 annoying people that aren’t even paying attention to the game. They’re just blowing and blowing constantly in these big long plastic horns. I see why there’s so many riots at soccer games now. Some douche bag is just sitting there making all this fucking noise until one guy finally snaps and rams it down his throat. Then the game starts and a bunch of faggy looking European models wearing cleats waltz onto the field. And they all come out the same door at the same time in 2 single file lines side-by-side. Where are the fights? You throw Steve Hanson in a “football” jersey and get him in that line there’s gonna be a scrap. Oh “It’s a gentleman’s game”. Bullshit it’s a pussies game. It’s the only sport that if it goes into overtime the players might be late for their photo shoot. If you don’t believe me just watch a game. It seems like every 8 minutes or less someone gets in someone else’s bubble and then… start polishing the Oscar, get this guy a towel he’s going for a dive. Looks like someone just shot him in the back while a grenade exploded beside him. These guys are just trained to go down and curl up into a ball. I watched two guys approach each other and their faces got a little too close, and almost simultaneously they go down rolling around holding their snot boxes like a dozen hammers just landed on their face. Then a slap war breaks out. There’s more feminism on this field than a Richard Simmons workout video. I love the announcers though. They make the game sound so intellectual and riveting.

“Bonito Sanchez criss-crossing around the defendah owh and a stunning move around the othah defendah and fiy-ahs a great shot on goal and the kepah misses! OOOH! Brilliant Strike!! It’s ONE – NIL! And oim a facking re-tod”

I love English accents. Australian accents are pretty sexy too. Soccer is still gay though. OI!

Green Thinking (BETA)

So obviously John Goodman pwns. I mean he’s been in some great movies: The Big Lebowski, Blues Brothers, The Flinstones, among many others. Until one bitch brings up Roseanne, and you’re like… “Shut up, cunt!”. If John Goodman wasn’t in that show about 70% of it’s viewers would cease to exist. That was a show about an annoying fat bitch with a fucking annoying laugh. I’m not sure about anyone else but that fits the profile for someone I tend to try to avoid. Like seeing your over-enthusiastic “office friend” in a place you really don’t wanna be seeing this fuckin guy. Like your wife or girlfriend or whatever sent you out to buy milk and tampons and this guy wants to chat in the dairy section while you got a bulk pack of Lady’s Tampax Jumbo… JUMBO! size, because she’s got a big cunt, but just play it off like she’s the only broad your fat cock fits in. So if I wanna fuck some pussy I do what I gotta do right.

Back to that fat bitch with the T.V. show. She acts like (does it very well too might I add. Maybe she isn’t acting…) like someone I don’t want to listen to or watch.

I’m currently working as a dealer at a small shitty casino in a really shitty town. But that’s not the worst of it. This one fucking so annoying and white and fucking fat cunt of a dyke comes in to gamble all too often. I guess she used to work for the casino, and since our boss is such a fuckin gomer that is hated by about 73% of the world (the other 27% just don’t know who he is. I wish I was in that 27%, I’m not fond of that cocksucker at all). She comes in and tries to be as loud and annoying as possible. So this bitch, I suppose we could make up a name for her for the purposes of this chat. I guess we’ll call her Wendy, after the fast food joint that I’m sure she has stocks in.

So Wendy, as much as you don’t want her to, comes in and allllllwaaayyss fuccckkiiinnn wiinnnsss… ugh. And when she wins she cheers and yells fat people sayings like “winner winner, chicken dinner”. Probably still doesn’t fill the bitch. And that’s basically the kind of broad Rose-fuckin-anne was; and people watched it. Like if they made a show about Wendy there is absolutely no fucking way you would ever see me near that shit. If I was having a really good day, like if you found out that they successfully brought John Belushi back to life and full comedic working health in a risky procedure done by transplanting all new body parts from his hack of a brother Jim. According to Jim? According to anyone with half-decent thought processes your show sucks donkey dick and so does your career. After hearing this news on t.v. while getting a blowjob by Swedish twins with huge knockers and active tongues, and watching two dykes 69 fist fuck each other, I could still easily be walking by the t.v. and see Wendy’s show on and instantly get pissed off.

Fat people belong behind bars

The science behind hand-jobs and ice cream

Today, even though its pouring rain, I went to the local homemade ice cream shopppepppe. Shoppe. It’s so classy that they need to add extra letters to the word shop just so everyone understands just how fuckin serious they are about ice cream and ice cream accessories. But the real reason I’m here is to share with you a study I did involving ice cream scooper girls and the art of the hand-job.

I roll up to this place, request my bubblegum ice cream, and proceeded to watch this cute girl; really get a good grasp on that metal scooper and dive in to that big bucket of ice cream and just start scooping away. I mean this isn’t the softest ice cream, these girls work out the very same muscles required to perform a great hand-job.

Did you know that women develop a muscle in their triceps called the handjovial jobidermus? Scientists are still baffled to this day as to what its purpose is, especially since this particular muscle has only been found to develop in woman’s bodies after hitting puberty. Which leads me to believe this muscle’s sole purpose is to aid in providing a top notch hand-job. Furthermore, after witnessing the technique used by these ice cream girls, which is the same technique patented and distributed by the I.C.S.G.N.A. (Ice Cream Scooper’s Guild of North America), I have determined that the handjovial jobidermus receives a full workout every time these broads take a scoop. Scientifically proving that ice cream scooper girls do indeed give the best handjobs. However, in another study done by the professors at UPV (University of Porno Valley), girls working in creameries were more prone to wanting to lick pussy rather than stroke cock; due to the subliminal recollection of ice cream, licking the ice cream is remembered as more enjoyable than scooping it. Thus creating more of an urge to lick soft, delicious surfaces, such as a vagina.

This study, in all it’s greatness, has lead me to ponder other theories and has raised questions that will lead to other scientific studies. Do girls that milk cows also give great hand-jobs? Or are they more prone to lesbianism due to the urge to always want to milk nipples? Or how about our friend the day spa masseuse… yaaa massage my cock… that’s nice.

Recess!

Remember what it was like being a kid? Just running through a field with not a care in the world. Playing soccer with your jeans on, getting holes in them, and grass stains, and ridin bikes. Your parents haven’t started leaning on you, telling you to get a good job, or go to school. Because you enjoyed school, and going to school meant doing shit you liked. Grade 1 you go paint shit with your hands, you learnt how to count just high enough to make even kickball teams. And then more often than not, you get recess! Go outside and do whatever the fuck you want to! Wouldn’t that be sweet to get to do again. 15 minutes where anything goes, basically no rules, just don’t go past the baseball diamond, and don’t hit anyone. Unless your playing tackle football, or tackle soccer, or tackle pokemon cards. I loved as a kid, even as a teen, ah fuck it I still enjoy turning anything possible into a tackle sport. Dodgeball was the best tackle sport ever. Anyone wearing a shirt the same color as the ball was granted “ball status” and could be thrown at people like a ball, or just flat out run and knock someone the fuck out. Cuz there were no rules, no parents to tell you not to get dirty, or tell you not to kick people with soccer cleats on. I would love to have that shit back in my life. 15 minutes where you just drop everything and go do whatever the fuck you want to with no/very minimal repercussions. I wouldn’t do anything too bad like kill someone or rob a bank. It would, however, probably be those guys that ruin it for everyone else and get recess taken away for a week. I would just do shit that I wished was legal and mostly didn’t harm anyone. Like taking a huge dump in the middle of traffic where two major streets intersect.

“Hey retard get the fuck outta the way!”

“Screw you man it’s recess and I was playin here first so fuck you man”

Just leave a huge steamy, corn-injected, unearthly gross pile of human turds marinating in the dirty, sweaty cracks of WALL St. then go back inside and put some more sprinkles on the star you drew.

Happy Birthday!

Wishing the human crane, a.k.a. T.O., a.k.a. Big Sexy (Trevor in layman terms) a very wonderful and Happy Birthday! I was talking to Big Sexy today and he mentioned that he would love to read some more blog postings and was wondering why I hadn’t put anything new up for a couple days. I said because I didn’t think anyone fucking read my blogs. So here I am writing a new entry probably for one person, or maybe lots of people there’s really no way of knowing. I guess I could just stop writing as if I was talking to a crowd but just as if I was talking to the only person that probably reads my blog. But that would look and sound really gay. People would definitely think I was gay. I’m not gay. So anyone out there in the neighbourhood that wants to come to Big Sexy’s Big Sexy Party stop on by. So far there’s only two of us on the guest list but we hope to expand it! Come on by around 7 p.m. for the live male stripper show. I know, how gay right? We tried booking Mexico Miranda the cum guzzling donkey and the Back-door Bandit, but were forced to change the plans due to double-booking issues and an unfortunate loss in chinese checkers. So Arnold Chokengagger and John Boners the queer sex robots from another galaxy shaped like a penis are coming to fill in. Hope to see you all there! Me and Big Sexy would just hate to get terminated alone… or would we?

P.S. Not gay.

BJ's — CONTENT WARNING! NOT FOR MOTHER'S EYES!

Click HERE! to be directed to another site
 
I wanna get a BJ from Heather I-deep-throat. She knows what the fuck is up. She takes that cock like it belongs there. I saw her deep throat a big fat 12″ purple dildo and when it went in it was like a knight putting his sword back in its holder after he kills a dude, just a perfect fit. Then right when you start to blow it she just swallows your cock and lets you cum. Like filling up your car with gas, just open the tank, slide that thing in, and let the jizz go pourin down. Like she needs cum to keep going or she’ll just be walking somewhere then all-sudden she just stops, and maybe rolls a bit further; just far enough to get on the curb outta the way. Then she needs to fill up again. Sometimes, if your lucky, she’ll be walking through the mall at a naughty hour and need “some assistance” with an emergency fill. So your like AMA there to bail ya out when the cum-meter is on E. That would be the greatest job ever wouldn’t it? If there were just these mega-sluts all over the place that needed jism to live, and if they didn’t watch the gauges good enough, or if they just chanced it hoping that they’d have enough fuel to make it, then you’d be there to bail ‘em out. Free BJ’s! And you get a paycheck every week! No experience required! No purchase necessary, must be of legal drinking age. Instead of a towing we could call it… i dunno i guess we’d be like a ho-ing company.
 
Marty’s HO-ing LTD. Delivering sluts that operate on the J.I.Z.Z. OS
quick, well endowed, fuel since 2010
 
Then I guess we could cover it up easily by telling the wife it was just a landscaping company.

And we’d just deliver our cock, full of semen, when needed to save a life

Haircuts

When I get my hair cut I could honestly care less what it turns out looking like. Whenever I get mine cut it’s usually just a mullet or damn near a buzz cut anyways. Either I want to look dumb or the style I want is almost literally impossible to fuck up. Who even gets buzz cuts done by a “professional”, if there are any hairdressers worthy of the title. But through my many haircuts I have come to the conclusion that gay people cut the best hair. Be aware though, this guy is GAY, and gay dudes are the horniest bastards in the world and will hit on any mofo with decent looks, good hygiene, and a cock between his legs. But when getting a haircut these are qualities I use in my favor.

“Would you like me to rinse your hair?”

“Sure give’r macho man”

I felt like I was in a day spa. this guy didn’t just wash my hair, he massaged it, and took care of my needs. Felt great, never been to relaxed in my life. Just don’t peek to the left because if I see his dick starting to pop out I’ll get all awkward and start feeling yucky so I just pretend Sheryl Crow is rinsing my hair… but then I start to get a boner, and if I hadn’t pictured old people gettin-it-on doggy-style shit might have gotten real nasty.

So after the nice bath Jerry, that’s the gay dude’s name… Jerry. So Fairy Jerry starts cutting me a killer mullet. When a gay man cuts your hair you know he’s gonna make it look good because the entire time while he talks, he’s trying to get in your pants. Feels good once in a while, someone’s trying to get in my pants for once. I think I’m gonna play it hard to get.

So in case you actually want to go out with him, he needs you looking good. Looking good starts with a sexy haircut so you can be sure this cocksucker (pun definitely intended) is gonna make you look sexy enough for him to think about while he jerks off on his boyfriend’s face later that night. I don’t think anybody was ready for that, how did that picture look in your head?

…At least I look good

First Post

Hey so this is my first post so I guess I’ll talk a bit about how awesome I am and just what makes me so awesome. Just so you get a grasp on exactly how great the strength of my awesomeness actually is. My name is Mitch Martyn, I’m 22, and currently reside in an extremely shitty town in Alberta, Canada. Soon I hope to move to Vancouver, B.C. to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. Right now I work in a really shitty casino making near minimum wage; to deal cards to drunken hillbillies, pretty-boy high school pricks that clearly need a lesson in math because half of them can’t count to fucking 14, and then theres the loudmouth fat bitches, the near retarded fuck-ups, and the list goes on and fucking on. Once in a while a decent person walks through the door that plays the game right, swift, doesn’t get too drunk, and tips his dealer. But we don’t care about them right? Fuck them!? Let’s pay more attention to the drunken fuckin prick on the other blackjack table swearing at the dealer, spilling drinks, and shittin in his hand and throwing it at people because he’s up a grand and we want to make sure he doesn’t leave until he loses all his money. So all the nice people leave and we’re stuck with a buncha drunk pricks, shrowin shit everywhere, and you ask me why I don’t smile at work or enjoy my job. Back to the topic of the blog. My intentions are to showcase some of my material and hear what people think whoever even fuckin reads these things. I don’t even read blogs and now I’m writing one… gotta question my integrity a bit on that one. So hopefully, someone accidentally stumbles on this and maybe even gets tricked into reading it. If you do, leave a comment, and let me know what you think. Be honest! I can take a little criticism, only makes you better. Peace broskis